My name is Kenneth and I write cool Mac and iPhone software. This is my personal weblog where I post about stuff I find interesting. I usually write about Mac development, the business of shareware and the Mac community in general.
read more →As iLaugh’s developer, I’ve spent quite a bit of time reading jokes. There comes a point where it feels like you’ve heard them all, and what used to be funny just sounds lame.
Here’s the deal, if you manage to make me laugh out loud with a joke, I’ll reward you with a free iLaugh promo code. While supplies last. (There’s only about 40 codes left for me to give away.)
Show me your best joke in the comments.
At the end of the contest, I’ll compile a list of the very best jokes, and publish them through iLaugh as a new source, as well as on this blog.
Update: if you can, rather tweet me your joke @SeoxyS.
This entry was posted on Monday, March 9th, 2009 at 2:26 am and is filed under Contests, English, Humor, Release, iPhone. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up
at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-
year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor
walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning
son.”
“Good morning pastor” replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
“Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked.
“Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,”
replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
“Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?”
A seal walks in to a club…
Why is Black History Month in February.
A: Its the shortest month of the year
3 guys are walking down the street. 2 of them walk into a bar. The thrid one ducks.
At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing:
Don’t Look Down!
A Neutron walks into a bar,
asks the bartender how much for a beer?
For you no charge.
“Dairy farming s’a rough life”, one young man lamented, “what with my two brothers and me having to divvy up the milking of two hundred cows each morning.”
“Wow, that does sound exhausting” remarked one onlooker.
“Yea, well, it’ll be better soon when my pa gets another hundred head.”
“How can it be better with more cows to milk?”
“Well, shoot! Any fool can divide 300 by 3.”
i dont have a dirty joke but i have a funny image. ^_^ http://tinyurl.com/anrgmg
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Well, this particular chicken, Roger the Rooster, was searching for his long lost love, Penny the Hen. She was kidnapped by an evil farmer who wanted to breed her due to her award winning bosom. Which in the the world of chickenry is a whole different thing than you are thinking. Pervert. The road before Roger was dangerous. The cars came whizzing by without a thought as to whether he lived or died. The chances of him surviving were slim, but he knew that his beloved Penny might be on the other side. So why did the chicken cross the road? I’ll tell you why. For love, dammit. For love.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A woman goes to the checkout line and notices this homeless guy checking out her groceries: She’s got a bottle of ketchup, some apples, a loaf of wheat bread and a pound of hamburger. The homeless guy says “Hmmm. You must be single.”
The woman looks at the groceries, trying to figure out what gave it away, but she has no idea. “That’s amazing” she says, “How did you know?”
The homeless guy looks at her for a second and says “Because you’re freaking ugly!”
he nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question, ‘When you die and go to heaven…which part of your body goes first?’
Suzy raised her hand and said, ‘I think it’s your hands’.
‘Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?’
Suzy replied, ‘Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first’.
‘What a wonderful answer!’ the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, ‘Sister, I think it’s your feet’.
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. ‘Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?’
Little Johnny said, ‘Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh! God, I’m coming! … and if Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her’.
The Nun fainted
Q. How do you get Pikachu onto the bus?
A. You poke him on
An infinite number of mathmaticians walk into a bar. The first mathmatician says to the bartendender, “I’d like a beer, please.” The second mathmatician says, “I would like a half a beer, please, sir.” The third mathmatician, smiling, says, “I’d like half of a half of a beer, please, good sir!” The bartender, glancing down the line, says, “You’re all morons!”, pours two beers and walks away.
Qu’est-ce qui est gros , jaune et qui vit dans une cage ?
Un canari.. mais un gros! HAHAHAHA!
Deux ouvriers prennent leur pause de midi. Le premier dit :
- Tu connais Victor Hugo ?
- Non
- T’as tort, tu devrais suivre les cours du soir !
Le lendemain, toujours le même : - Tu connais Albert Einstein ?
- Non
- T’as tort, tu devrais suivre les cours du soir !
Le surlendemain, ça recommence :
- Tu connais Karl Marx ?
- Non
- T’as tort, tu devrais suivre les cours du soir !
Alors l’autre tout énervé fait :
- Et toi, tu connais Jean Dupont ?
- Non ???
- T’as tort, c’est celui qui fait l’amour à ta femme pendant que tu suis les cours du soir !
Une famille arrive à la frontière suisse. Un douanier se dirige vers eux leur demandant leurs papiers d’identité.
Les papiers sont en règle mais le douanier veux faire peur au petit garçon à l’arrière du véhicule et lui dit qu’il n’a pas le droit de passer la frontière. Le garçon insiste pour pouvoir suivre ces parents en suisse. Le douanier lui propose donc un deal.
Douanier : ” Si tu réponds à ma question je te laisse passer la frontière ”
L’enfant : ” D’accord ”
Douanier : ” Qu’est ce qui roule sur deux roues avec un moteur ?”
L’enfant : ” C’est facile, c’est une moto ”
Douanier : ” Non tu as perdu, il faut préciser, yamaha, suziki etc …. ”
L’enfant pleure ….
Douanier : ” Allez, je te laisse une seconde chance, qu’est ce qui a 4 roues et qui roule avec un moteur ? ”
L’enfant : ” C’est facile, c’est une voiture …”
Douanier : ” Oui mais faut préciser, une citroen, une ford, un renault etc …
L’enfant pas content dit ” non maintenant c’est moi qui te pose une question, si tu ne réponds pas j’ai le droit de passer la frontière ….
Le douanier rigole car il sait pertinemment qu’il répondra à la question et que ce n’est pas un gosse de 10 ans qui va le troubler … il accepte ….
L’enfant : ” Qu’est ce qui a des talons haut, une mini jupe et qui se balade sur le trottoir le soir …
Douanier : Trop content de connaître la réponse ” bah c’est une pute …. ”
L’enfant : ” Oui mais faut préciser, ta soeur, ta mère ta grand mère …. ”
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch’
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
La blague juive la plus courte…
“Dieu soit loué !”
The shorter Jewish joke…
“God be praised!”
Un petit garçon demande à sa mère :
- Est-ce que c’est vrai que je suis né dans un chou ?
- Mais oui mon chéri !
- Et c’est vrai aussi que ma soeur est née dans une rose ?
- Absolument, mon chéri !
- Décidément alors, papa et toi, vous ne faites crac-crac que dans le jardin ?
Pourquoi les singes ont-ils de grosses narines ?
=> parce qu’ils ont de gros doigts…
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